Goodbye
by Mademoiselle Hydrangea
Summary: -reupload- He’s been alone. Alone. And now he’s alone in death too. I opened my eyes and let myself go. Natsume.


_"There is something_

_Watching, waiting_

_There is something_

_Passing, casting these shadows_

_How they make their way into my mind_

_And you'll sing me to sleep_

_You'll sing to me gently_

_And you'll sing me to sleep_

_You'll sing to me_

_And I'm not alone_

_There is something_

_Shining, calling my name_

_And who are you, what do you want?_

_I'll claim nothing_

_When you're whispering_

_The truth has made its way into my head_

_And you'll sing me to sleep_

_Sing to me gently_

_And you'll sing me to sleep_

_Sing to me gently_

_And you'll sing to me to sleep_

_Sing to me gently_

_And you'll sing to me to sleep_

_Sing to me gently_

_And I'm not alone"- Waking Ashland, Sing me to Sleep_

1. goodbye

We moved from Tokyo to Kyoto when I was sixteen. That was the last time I saw him.

We had began dating since I was fourteen; he was fifteen. Looking back, it's funny that we ended up together. We were complete opposites. But there is the saying "opposites attract". And I believed that.

Then again, maybe I was attracted to him ever since I met him.

We met when I was five and he was six. Our mother's were good childhood friends and they also worked in the journalism field. So it was only natural, while my mom and myself lived in Tokyo, we would go visit his family often.

Our mothers would always sit in his family's living room, talking about their latest assignments and reminiscing the "good old times" as my mom had put it once. His younger sister, who was a year younger than me would always stay by our mothers and I was left with him to play with. I vividly remember how I would always pout when he refused to play with me. And how he would always trip me and remark at what kind of panties I was wearing. I would get so upset with him and embarrassed. I always tattled-taled to my mom, who just laughed with his mom. But then his mom would see how shocked I was with how they were reacting and would pretend to scold him.

Soon we became classmates. Same elementary, same grade, same teacher. I remember a particular teacher in particular; Narumi-sensei. He was my favorite teacher and his least favorite. He was very kind to me and most of the students in class. I always loved going to his class.

Soon we became junior high school students. Even though he wouldn't admit it, we were close friends. I remember him telling me specifically no to call him my "best friend". I always laughed at that. How could he deny it so easily? It was true wasn't it?

It was my last year in junior high when he suddenly kissed me. I was so shocked yet somewhere inside of me was happy. I don't really remember how long that kiss lasted but it was a sweet, innocent kiss. Like the ones you see in movies. Only more pure.

I was so shocked that I shoved him away from me. He rolled his eyes and said, "Nothing to get excited about. It was just a kiss."

That made me blush so much. Didn't he know how much a kiss meant to a girl? Even to me. He knew I was never interested in any guys in our school yet I still wanted that kiss. What girl wouldn't want that? That sweet, little, innocent kiss. And he gave it to me. Only he gave me more then I had expected.

I ignored him since that kiss. I ignored him for a whole month. Not the easiest thing to do. But the more I ignored him the more I became aware of him. His slightest movements. His gestures. His words. Him.

I remember how shocked I was when I realized I was head over heels in love with him. I wanted to tell him so badly yet I was afraid. Afraid of rejection. I've seen him do it many times. Many girls loved him. They even had a fan club for him. And he had no mercy when he rejected them. They would run away in tears; I always felt bad for him. I always scolded him, telling him to be a little nicer. He'd roll his eyes while I was trying to explain to him how much guts it took those girls to confess to him. But by the time I would finish my rant, he'd be sleeping with a manga covering his face.

So I was afraid. Extremely afraid. But I had to tell him. I had too. I loved him. After 14 years of my life of being uninterested of guys; I finally realized why. It was because he was in front of me all this time; most likely I've been comparing the guys that somewhat interested me to him. How very childish of me. But I was a child.

The day I decided to finally tell him was the day right before graduation. I hadn't talked to him in a month so I had no idea if we were going to end up at the same high school. And rather tell him on the last day of school, where I doubt I could get any alone time with him, I decided on the day before graduation.

Everyone was busy and nervous, including myself but not for the same reasons. I ran into him so many times, but I could never muster the strength to tell him. That and he barely looked at me. I felt rejected without him even saying anything.

I was sitting blankly at my desk. School had ended and I still hadn't told him. I felt like crying. It just wasn't me. I shouldn't cry. Especially over him.

Suddenly as if he heard my thoughts, he was there. Standing, waiting; his crimson eyes glorious as always. I remember how embarrassed I was. I tried to walk past him but then as I reached the door, with my hand on the doorknob I said, "I like you."

He replied, "Yeah, I know. "Best friends" is what you called it, right?"

I whirled around and I was surprised that he was right there. His hand cupped my chin and tilted it up towards his face. His crimson eyes stared at me intently and I felt my own eyes soften. I looked down and whispered, "I like you more than that, I love you."

I closed my eyes; waiting for the rejection.

"Took you a while," he said.

I opened my eyes and was about to reply back when his mouth sealed off my lips.

After that we dated for two years. He wasn't the most romantic guy but he had his own way of telling me his affection.

When I was sixteen, my mom had an announcement. She said that a job had been offered to her down in Kyoto and she had accepted it. I was happy for her but also I was sad. It would mean I would have to leave Natsume.

I could never tell him.

When I finally gained the courage it was the night before the departure. Our mothers went out for one last drink together and Aoi was at a slumber part. I was at his family's apartment. We were watching TV; well really I was trying to pay attention and he was just staring blankly at it. I glanced up at him every so often and his crimson eyes would peer at me suspiciously. But I would always look away before he could read too much into me. He was always good at guessing at what I was thinking.

I really don't know why I kept waiting. I knew he knew. But I still felt like I had an obligation to tell him.

"Hey," I started out.

"What," he replied.

"I'm leaving," I said, my eyes on him. His eyes refused to make eye contact with me. But I saw something slightly flash in those magnificent eyes. But it was too fast for me to make out what it was.

"Idiot, you have to go home," he replied. His voice was harder. He knew. I sighed and said in my best monotone, "No, I'm leaving Tokyo. We're moving to Kyoto. We're leaving tomorrow."

"It took you four months to say those words," he commented. I hid my face, burying it in his chest. He stroked through my light brown hair. I waited. "Four months of rehearsing. You still suck at acting."

I bit my lips. He was right; I rehearsed those lines over and over in the past four months. So it would be perfect, no crying. But I had forgotten of one important detail; what was I going to say after words?

I began to cry. So much for not crying. I cried even more as he lifted my face to his. As he gently placed his lips on mine. Once his lips were on mine, my crying ceased. It was the just like the first kiss. He released me and said, "You look ugly when you cry."

"I can't smile right now," I replied.

Then in a seductive whisper he said, "I'll make you smile."

And we began kissing even more passionately. I love him so much. I parted my lips, letting a soft moan escape me. He took this as his cue as his tongue entered my mouth. I remember how limp I felt as his tongue discovered the hidden chambers of my mouth. My own tongue wrapped around his.

Personally I don't think I should say anymore. But we went on like that. And when I woke up the next morning I was in his bedroom, lying on his chest. My light brown hair was sprawled wildly and his midnight black hair was even more disheveled than usual. We were both naked and he was right. He did make me smile.

Our goodbye was much less…….sexual. Go ahead and make opinions about me. I was sixteen; if you want to blame someone blame me and my hormones. But I don't regret doing it with him. I loved it. I loved him.

"Bye," I whispered as I gave him one last embrace. He returned it for once. And said to me in a whisper, "I won't wait."

My body cringed. What did he mean he wasn't going to wait? He noticed my reaction and whispered, "I won't wait; I'll come after you if you don't come back."

I tiptoed and kissed him innocently. But then he brought his embrace closer to me and we were kissing passionately again. Of course mom interrupted and we separated but he still held my hand. My mom and I said our goodbyes.

"Goodbye," I whispered one more time as my fingers one by one left his hand.

The years past by fast and lonely. The first year, I would often send letters to him. He always complained about this. Always saying things like "What's the point of you having a cell if you don't use it?" But I loved reading his letters. The way he wrote, the deep impressions he left in the paper, the times ink spills were on the papers, the random notes from his sister. It was so sweet.

But we lost contact. His family had moved suddenly or at least that's what mom and I figured. We heard about his mom sometimes, being a journalist also but nothing much.

When I finally turned twenty-one, 5 years after moving, I had enough money to make one trip to Tokyo by train. I only bought a ticket to Tokyo. I had no intentions in returning. I finished college, had my own apartment, my own job, and everything else. Except him.

I wandered Tokyo for days aimlessly; I had no idea where to look.

I went to a local park to rest. As I sat down on one of the benches I saw a young woman with long black hair, dressed in the very definition of fashion. She turned around for just a second and I recognized those soft, crimson eyes.

"Mikan?" she asked suddenly. Then she broke out into a beautiful smile and ran towards me. I got up and ran up to her. We hugged each other and asked how the other was doing. I didn't want to ruin the mode by asking where he was but I was getting restless. And she knew.

"Mikan, I have somewhere to take you, okay?" she said. I nodded my head.

I went with her to where it turned out to be her mom's house. We went inside; her mom wasn't home. She had explained to me, that while she was a university student, she had to stay home with her mom.

She led me to an isolated room. I noticed the room immediately.

Why were we here? She handed me an incense.

I was about to ask her when she opened the small sliding doors on the altar. It was his picture. I shook my head over and over. I dropped the burning incense. It fell onto my hand, burning me, and I caught it with my other hand. But I was still in shock. It was his picture. No, no, no, it can't be him. He promised!

And then everything shattered.

It took me a week to except it. He was gone. He was there. And I was here. He was dead. I was alive.

"Opposites attract."

That wasn't what it's supposed to mean, right?

I faintly remember her giving me an envelope to cling onto. It was only after the week that I opened it.

_Polka-dots,_

_Looks like in the end all I could do was wait. I could never run after you. Even when you were so close. So close…_

_If you haven't recognized my handwriting your more than an idiot. It's me. _

_Stop crying idiot, I'm not writing this to make you cry. In reality I hope you never have to read this letter. That Aoi will never have to hand this to you. But the way things are going, I don't have much faith in that. I don't have faith in anything. __Only in you._

_That sounded idiotic, even on your standards. Hmph. Good job, you got me to crack a smile in over four years. Four years after you left. Four years is a long time. _

_Damn. _

_This single thought keeps going through me: "How much more time do I have left…over this body…to protect the people precious to me?"_

_I have that answer now. I don't have any left. _

_Dammit, here comes the nurses and doctors. They're rushing me to surgery. Again. How much more can this body handle? Not much._

_This is it. _

_I'm sorry._

_For not being able to go to you or even to wait for you. _

_I hate romantic crap but this is it, so no need to be selfish. _

_I love you. _

_I love you, Sakura Mikan. _

There was no ending. There was no signature. There was nothing left. And there was nothing left for me either in this world.

The wind blows through my light brown hair, making it dance wildly. My toes curl on the edge, trying to keep me alive. But it's over. He's been alone. Alone. And now he's alone in death too. I opened my eyes and let myself go.

Natsume.

* * *

**so yeah this is another one of my older stories, one of my personal favorites honestly. right now i'm just re-uploading some of my old stories as i prepare some newer stories so i guess that's something to look forward too^^**

**please review^^**

**Alice in Murderland**


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